Microsoft Announces Windows 11, Apple Launches New iPhone GI… [Tech News Digest]

Microsoft gives up on Windows 10, Apple recreates the best phone ever made, Facebook changes the nature of friendship, Oculus teases the Oculus Prime, and MakeUseOf gives Donald Trump a job.

Forget Windows 10, Windows 11 Is Here!

Windows 10 is done. It’s over. And it’s time to move on to Windows 11. That’s the message emerging from Redmond today (April 1), as Microsoft has decided enough is enough. According to well-placed sources, so many people have made complaints about Windows 10 that it has hurt Microsoft’s feel-feels. The result? Windows 10 is being killed in favor of a brand new operating system called… Windows 11.

A Microsoft spokesperson using the pseudonym Will Grates said,

“We thought Windows 10 was such a winner that it would survive for several decades. Unfortunately, our users disagreed. They have continually moaned about Windows 10 to the point that we have decided to can it in favor of Windows 11. Which is better than Windows 10 because it’s Windows 11. And two ones are better than one one and a zero. Obviously.”

Details about Windows 11 are thin on the ground right now, but it’s thought it will be exactly the same as Windows 10 in every conceivable way except one. That being that Cortana will listen to everything the user says, and if they’re negative about Windows 11 in any way, shape or form, immediately trigger their PC to explode in their face.

Apple Shocks the World With iPhone GI

Apple has launched another new iPhone, with the iPhone GI following hot on the heels of the iPhone SE. The iPhone SE made headlines for being an iPhone 5 in all but name. The iPhone GI is a similar attempt at recapturing the past, with Apple taking its cue from the Nokia 3310. This is, therefore, a smartphone trapped in the body of a dumbphone.

The iPhone GI measures just 4.5″ by 1.9″ by 0.9″, and boasts a 1.5-inch screen. This features a gorgeous monochromatic display with a mind-boggling pixel density of 64.50 PPI. The battery should last at least a week, and amazing apps such as Snake and Calculator come as standard. The iPhone GI weighs in at 133 grams, and, unlike all previous iPhones, is virtually indestructible.

The GI in iPhone GI stands for “Gullible Idiot” and represents the first time Apple has admitted that its legion of fans can be a little too loyal at times. The company is therefore confidently predicting record sales for the iPhone GI. Pre-orders are being taken in a very specific way, as you’re required to approach any Apple Store staff member and whisper in their ear, “I’m a Gullible Idiot”. They will then know what to do.

Facebook Admits “Friends” Is a Stretch

Facebook is changing the name of the people you’re connected to on Facebook. Previously called “Friends”, these random people and occasional acquaintances will now be referred to as “Barely Ordered Random Errant Strangers” to be a more truthful reflection of the relationship between you and your “BORES”.

Facebook CEO Spark Cyberborg stated:

“We pride ourselves on having completely obliterated the idea of friendship. In order to make and keep friends you need to leave the house occasionally, but no one does that any more. Instead they sit at home posting selfies and getting into arguments about politics. Therefore, friends are over, and BORES are in. We’re all BORES, and the sooner we admit it the easier life online will become.”

This news is only just breaking, so be sure to tell your Facebook friends they’re all massive BORES before someone else beats you to it.

Oculus Prime Is the Future of VR

Oculus VR recently launched the long-awaited consumer version of its first virtual reality headset, the Oculus Rift. However, the company is already working on the next iteration, which MakeUseOf can exclusively reveal to be the Oculus Prime.

The Oculus Prime, named as a cute tribute to Optimus Prime, the leader of the Autobots, will do everything the Oculus Rift can do, but with one huge difference. Just like its namesake, it can transform into something else at the flick of a button. That something else being… an unwanted, unused gadget gathering dust on a shelf in the house of someone with too much time and money.

Incredibly, existing Oculus Rift owners don’t actually need to buy the Oculus Prime, as their humble headset will evolve over time thanks to some clever future-proofing technology. Just use your Oculus Rift as normal for the next few months and it will slowly transform into an Oculus Prime, and then disguise itself as an unwanted, unused gadget gathering dust on a shelf in the house of someone with too much time and money.

Donald Trump to Edit MakeUseOf

And finally, MakeUseOf has appointed Donald Trump as its new Editor-in-Chief. Trump will begin at MakeUseOf as soon as his quest to become the next President of the United States fails. He will then take charge of this website and direct its content to reflect his own unique views.

The Windows section will be rebranded Walls, and discuss the building and maintenance of walls between the U.S. and Mexico and the U.S. and Canada. The Finance section will be given a small loan of $1 million to guarantee its success.

The Smart Home and Security sections will be combined to offer advice on protecting your property against immigrants. And Giveaways will no longer be a thing, as you should go out and get a job rather than sit around expecting handouts.

Your Views on Today’s Tech News

Are you excited at the prospect of using the all new Windows 11? Will you be first in line for the new iPhone GI? What do you call the people you very occasionally talk to on Facebook? Is Oculus Prime the future of virtual reality? Will you carry on reading MakeUseOf once Donald Trump is installed as Editor-in-Chief?

Let us know your thoughts on the Tech News of the day by posting to the comments section below. Because a healthy discussion is always welcome.

Tech News Digest is usually a daily column paring the technology news of the day down into bite-sized chunks that are easy to read and perfect for sharing. Except for today, April 1, when Tech News Digest exists to fool you all. And we did fool you, just admit it.

Image Credit: Karlis Dambrans via Flickr

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